well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
