yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
