Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
