When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize