I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish you could order shots online.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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