And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
