do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
