if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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