well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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