he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
