I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
