Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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