im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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