i think my tv is drunk
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
if only i could text you this smell
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
