you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
