Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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