I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Randomize
