saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
