I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
