I hate your face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
