He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
you never un-have a 4some
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
