She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
