But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
