You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
