My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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