he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize