I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
