words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
