you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
