You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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