Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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