Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize