My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
