my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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