OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
