and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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