I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
