True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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