either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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