I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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