Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
