It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
