i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize