The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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