I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize