I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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