What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
