the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
