My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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