That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
