I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize