No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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