I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
