i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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