just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
