I think I won the penis lottery.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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